


Flaming Chainsaw (Yeah.)

by Danni_Lea, ItsOnlyForever



Category: Labyrinth (1986), Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare
Genre: Crack, F/M, no we're not on drugs, seriously, we have no idea what's going on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-04
Updated: 2012-04-04
Packaged: 2017-11-03 01:16:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/375453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Danni_Lea/pseuds/Danni_Lea, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsOnlyForever/pseuds/ItsOnlyForever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tybalt and Mercutio's fight, Romeo and Juliet's love, a flaming chainsaw, and Jareth's broken heart. Join two OC's in their battle to fix it all.</p><p>This is a complete and total crack!fic. There is no excuse for this monstrosity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flaming Chainsaw (Yeah.)

**Author's Note:**

> Yes. Danni and I wrote this in Freshman Honors English for our Romeo and Juliet lesson. A conglomeration of the two fandoms fixing the thee major problems (Mercutio dying, the debacle with Romeo and Juliet, and Jareth being unloved). Timelines and, well, _logic_ does not apply.

Mercutio stared down the streets of Verona at the vile Capulet who had dared to anger him. Tybalt, King of Cats, had belittled his best friend, Romeo Montague.

 _Draw you devilish fiend!_ He thought as Tybalt refused. Tybalt pondered his actions. Throwing caution to the wind, he moved to draw his sword. Mercutio heard the exhilarating whispered hiss of tempered steel being drawn from the depths of Tybalt sheath and shivered in delight.

“I am for you.” Tybalt uttered in a low, deadly tone. He brought his rapier up for a fatal blow when Romeo slinked in and parried his attack. Romeo followed with a balestra, a move in which he leapt forward and attacked with a lunge. His sword pierced the thin fabric around Tybalt’s chest and it began to turn a dark, chuck berry red. “I wish the goblins would come and take thee away, right now.” Tybalt murmured with his dying breath. Scarcely a second later there was an explosion of glamour and through the cloud of miniature stars stepped a man.

He was, as any cliché writer would describe, tall, dark, and handsome. His dark chestnut hair was dyed blonde and hung wispily about him. His brooding eyes were unnerving: one blue, one brown. His black leather jacket clung tightly to his lithe frame around his white poet’s shirt. His silver tights looked simply sprayed on.

Several goblins had also emerged from the shimmering cloud. They, as most goblins love to do, started to terrorize the Verona chickens with whatever they could get their hands on. ANYTHING. This time it was a flaming chainsaw that was OBVIOUSLY from the future.

 _My normal lines won’t work here_ Jareth thought as he took in the situation. Normally Tybalt, being the wisher, would have thirteen hours to solve a vast labyrinth or Romeo would become a goblin forever. _Guess I’ll have to improvise. I hate it. IT’S NOT FAIR!!_  But Jareth was saved from his personal hell.

“You’re him, aren’t you?” Began a raven-hair peasant.

“You’re the Goblin King.” Responded her brown-haired companion. Jareth stiffened as these words brought back a memory. Another brown-haired girl had recited those same words a long time ago. She had run his Labyrinth in an excruciating ten hours, becoming the first person to solve it. _I still yearn for her. Her smell, her touch, her deep emerald eyes,_ Jareth grudgingly admitted to himself. He realized he was looking quite surly and hastened to put a smile on his alluring face.

“I TOLD you he was hot, Lea!” whispered the raven-haired peasant to her friend. But the excitement didn’t touch her eyes. She had noticed the look on the Goblin King’s face an instant before he hid it.

“Alright, alright, Ravyn. Shut your trap.” Lea vehemently added, not noticing her friend’s distress.

“Come, come now.” Jareth beckoned to the goblins, which were trying to mutilate a caught chicken. Jareth, a morose Romeo, the goblins, and their caught chicken, all entered the swirling vortex and vanished without giving a thought to the VERY confused Mercutio. _What would my lord want with Romeo?_ He deliberated as he began the long trek to his usual place of thought.

 

“So. You just killed the cousin of your secret wife, who happens to be of the family that your family hates.” Jareth surmised casually, twirling several small crystals in his left hand.

“Yes.” Romeo moaned.

“Hmm, well that would be a problem. But luckily for you I’m a genius.” Jareth remarked arrogantly. “I know a man who will come in quite handy, seeing as you’re banished.” Romeo raised an eyebrow incredulously.

“Ha, banishment! Be merciful, say 'death;'  
for exile hath more terror in his look,  
much more than death: do not say 'banishment.'

There is no world without Verona walls,  
but purgatory, torture, hell itself.” Romeo exclaimed angrily.

“What kind of magic spell to use?” Jareth pondered to himself in a singsong voice. “Ah, yes. MERCUTIO!”

“Yes, milord?” A puzzled Mercutio asked of Jareth. He had just appeared from the swirling silver vapor.

“Milord? Thou workest for him?” Romeo inquired but was ignored.

“Quiet! Mercutio, go and fetch the Lady -” Jareth began.

“Rosaline?” Mercutio surmised.

“No! And if you had SHUT UP when I asked, you would’ve known t’was not Rosaline Romeo pines for.” Jareth bellowed at Mercutio.

“Juliet. Juliet Capulet.” Romeo muttered from the edge of the castle room they were occupying. Mercutio just stared at Romeo as if he were a new species.

“Queen Mab hath been with thee.” Mercutio declared as he exited into the mist that was everywhere but nowhere.

A few moments he reappeared with a VERY baffled looking Juliet. When she saw her true love however, she let forth a squeal of delight and wrapped her arms around his neck. A blissful smile spread across his face.

“Thank ye.” Romeo whispered fervently. However, an odd pair of girls interrupted their joy. One, it appeared, had stolen the goblin’s flaming chainsaw and had begun to destroy all of the faeries flying around. The other was chasing her down.

“Rav’ika! No! PUT THE CHAINSAW DOWN! NO! NOT ON TOP OF THE GOBLIN! RAVYN JESSICA FAE PUT IT DOWN NOW!” Ravyn solemnly put the chainsaw down with a pouty look. “Look.” Said Lea exasperated. “Jareth is up in that tower. Go have fun.” She added reluctantly, pointing up to the window from which Jareth and company were watching curiously. Instantly Ravyn’s face brightened as she ran off to find her way into the castle. Lea sighed and resolutely followed her.

“Well, seeing as we are about to have more company, Romeo and Juliet, I suggest you go out that door and enter the third door on the right.” Jareth said, winking at them. “See you in a few hours.” Romeo and Juliet grinned at each other and Jareth before leaving.

 

 

After battling the Escher room, a confusing maze of ever-changing stairs and where gravity was haywire to say the least, Ravyn and Lea entered the throne room of the Goblin King. Jareth felt immediately drawn to Ravyn in a way he hadn’t felt since he held Sarah at the ball. Ravyn rushed over to him and bowed deeply. She glanced at Lea who was staring at Mercutio in something comparable to awe.

“BOW!” Ravyn shrieked, but Lea didn’t move. Groaning, Ravyn threw a teacup at Lea, which bounced off of her head, snapping Lea from her reverie. She rolled her eyes and bowed, but not in front of Jareth. She inclined fluidly to Mercutio.

Once Ravyn was satisfied, she straightened and looked at Jareth.

“Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin city, to take back the heart which you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours and my- OHMYGOD WHAT DID I SAY?!” For Jareth was beginning to shake severely. “Oh. Sarah. Right. Sorry.” She said, rather deflated. 

“How did you…?” Jareth began in a shaky tone.

“You didn’t think you were the only omniscient one around here, did you?” Lea began. “I’ve had to put up with her going on about you for AGES. She’s near impossible to ignore and once she had heard the slightest whisper of your thoughts she was impossible to stop.” She declared. Abruptly, Mercutio asked her if she wanted to talk to him in private. Stunned, Lea nodded and they left. Ravyn sighed.

“OK, since we’re both omniscient I won’t beat around the bush. I like you. Really like you.” Ravyn admitted in a rush. Jareth smiled.

“Who wouldn’t?” he muttered as he took her hand and led her from the throne room, leaving behind a very confused and frightened chicken.


End file.
